Back in 1986 I successfully stole about fifty G.I.Joe figures from this kid's house with his Mom standing right outside the door. Now it may seem that I'm proud of this . . . I am in a way, but at there's more than meets the eye in this situation.
Let me take you back to 1986, I was about ten years old, I played a lot of Atari, had a lot of fun, and loved Transformers and G.I.Joe. When I got home from school that was the first show to come on, After that it was Masters of the Universe, and then She-Ra. So anyways, every Wednesday after school I would head over to this kids house, (Let's call him Bobby) and attend the weekly Boy Scout meeting. Boy Scouts is okay . . . you learn how to tie knots, make race car derby models, learn first aid, you're pretty much trained to be prepared for anything. So this kid Bobby is one arrogant little . . . ahem, kid who had everything. You walk into his room and it's loaded with G.I.Joe toys. He had all the main characters, Duke, Storm Shadow, Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander . . . pretty much everything that was released by Hasbro. You walk in and you're like. . . WOW! This dude has one epic collection! He also had a grip of Atari games. I remember going over to his house and watching him play Atari. That's right, watching him play, no one else got a turn. C'mon man!, When I had guests I would always let them enjoy my stuff. For me that's the enjoyment of owning cool stuff, to have your Friends enjoy it as well. So anyways Bobby didn't much care for me, I don't know If I said something wrong, or what. I do recall one day his Mom was driving Bobby and myself to church, something to do with a merit badge or what not, and I told his Mom that I was going to Karate. After that Bobby got pissed. I have no idea why he would be upset about that . . . it's just Karate. I came to find out later that his parents didn't approve of violence so they never enlisted him in Karate. But when we got the Church he was trying to fight me, His Mom was like "Bobby! calm down! Bobby Stop it!" He ended up going back to the car and locking us out. His Mom had to call his Dad to come and convince him to unlock the door.
So here's where it hits the fan. I'm invited to Bobby's birthday party, and of course my Mom makes me go against my wishes, the last thing I want to hear is this ego-maniac raving about his presents. Look man! I just got Berzerk for the Atari and I wanna kill some robots! Not go to a male version of Nellie Olsen and watch him get more toys! So we get into the old Ford Fairmont, and head over to this store called Coronet. "Let's go pick out Bobby a present." My Mom said, I was up for it, even if I wasn't on the receiving end of the deal, I really enjoyed shopping for toys. We looked at a bunch of stuff, I don't have to tell you what the hot sellers were. At first I thought about getting him something lame like a generic action figure or what not, but then I saw this Transformer. Insecticons it said, "Freaking sweet" I thought, it was a team of Transformers that transform into bugs. Let's get him that, who wouldn't want to add this guy to their collection. So we got it, wrapped it in the car and headed over to Bobby's house. Tons of kids were there. I grew up Mormon (I'm not Mormon anymore) so most of the kids were Mormons, and as we walked into the house I noticed about thirty or so presents piled on the table. We played the usual stupid games like musical chairs, pin the tail on the donkey, I was just hoping time would fly by a little quicker so I could go home and play Berzerk on the ol' Atari. Berzerk! that's were it's at! Nothing like killing robots and get chased by a homicidal ball that's hell bent on your destruction.
So the dumb fun and games gig ends and we all circle the table. Bobby got a grip load of new G.I.Joe toys, which I thought was cool cause I got him a transformer. When he finally got to my present he tore off the paper like a meth head opening his newly bought stash. Looked at it for two seconds and then threw it into the corner. "Bobby! that's not nice" his Mother said. I don't like Transformers he replied and went off to his bedroom with his party fans in full pursuit like flies on poopies How can someone not like Transformers let alone one that turned into a grasshopper? I went to see what was going on in Bobby's room and they were playing G.I.Joe. "Hey can I play?" I asked. "No you aren't even supposed to be here! Why don't you go home!" Hurt I went to my Mom and asked if we could leave, seeing I was distressed she agreed and we headed for the car. I stopped and realized I forgot my backpack. "Be right back!" I told my Mom. I ran into the house grabbed my bag and stopped . . . Their was the transformer laying there in the corner like a discarded piece of trash. When I was young I always felt that toys had feelings. Just some weird kid thing I guess. I looked around bent over and stuffed the insecticon in my bag. "Who cares if I get caught, the kids an A-Hole!" "Later Mrs T!" I said as I ran out the door with my newly looted treasure.
I got home and played some berzerk until 8pm, brushed my teeth, said my prayers, waited for my Mom to go . . . and then turned on the light, ripped open the bag and beheld the stolen item. "Insecticon Kickback" it read on the box. On the right hand side was a picture of this Transformer holding a laser rifle. "Cool! it's a grasshopper" I thought to myself. I immediately opened the box and pulled him out. His chest had this cool little compartment that I recall keeping some pennies in. I might have lost some good guy points from this ordeal, but the taste of victory over this kid was almost as sweet as the stolen prize.
The next morning was an average Wednesday, I got up, watched Wallace and Ladmo, which was a children's television show that was huge in Arizona, ate some Count Chocula cereal, and went to another uneventful day of school. After school I made my way over to Bobby's house to attend the Boy scout meeting. I recall having to pee real bad and my walk turned into a full on sprint. I got to Bobby's house, knocked on the door and . . . His Mom answered. "There's no Boy Scout meeting today because Bobby is getting his braces cleaned" "Oh okay" I said "can I use your restroom?" I asked as I was doing the pee pee dance. I got in and started a long overdue piss. One thing that I recall in this bathroom was this Blue Boy painting that was hung over the toilet. The thing gave me the creeps. It looked like something out of the Haunted mansion in Disneyland and I always thought it's eyes were following me. Another thing that caught my eye was the door that lead to Bobby's room. You see, the bathroom had two entryways, one from the hallway, and one from Bobby's room. I couldn't help it, behind that door was G.I.Joe Shangri-La. I zipped up my pants, and headed toward that forbidden area. I remember gripping the door as lightly as possible, my fear was that he would be lying in bed and see me looking in from his personal bathroom. "MOOOM MOOOOOOM!" he would say, but fortunately he was away.I opened the door a crack where I could see through a small slit. I could hear his Mother doing the dishes in the kitchen. The water turning on, and then off, and then on again. The clatter of dishes as she loaded up the dishwasher. "I just want to look" I thought to myself, as I walked in and and perused the magnificent site. Cobra Hiss tank, Skystriker Jet,Wild Weasle's A-10 Cobra Rattler attack plane, which was my favorite btw. I remember seeing the commercial for that plane, and Wild Weasle was soo awesome! He had this cool helmet, I had a thing for Cobra. They always looked waay cooler that G.I Joe. I had to touch it, I ran my hands over the smooth plastic. I opened the cockpit, then all of a sudden it was in my bag along with it's bright red pilot, Wild Weasle. Oops! "He doesn't need it, I mean the kid gets anything he wants." I went back to leave and thought . . . "I really don't like this kid, He's mean to me, made fun of me cause I didn't have a Father . . ." I made my way back to his toy box, "Let's see I'll add Duke, Snake Eyes . . ."Then just grabbed a grip of figures and fed my hungry backpack. I also managed to add the Cobra Hiss tank. "Everything okay in there Jonathan?" A voice rang out from the door leading to the hallway, I ran back to the bathroom and slowly closed the door leading to Bobby's room. My heart was racing a million miles an hour, "Uhhhhhhhh my stomach" I said in a sickly voice. "Jonathan, what's wrong?" she said again. "My stomach hurts" I replied in my best sickly voice. "Want me to call your Mother?" She asked. "Uhhhhh no that's ok . . I just need to poop, could you leave me alone . . . or something?" I replied. "Okay, I'll give you five minutes" She said in a concerned voice. I looked at my half filledbag and thought, "If I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory then I might as well make it count" I made my way back to Bobby's room and made for the toy box. Weapons . . .a whole bag of guns and missiles lay staring at me, I grabbed them and fed the bag once more. "Zartan!" I saw Zartan laying there, I recalled that mine had a chewed off head thanks to my canine companion that awaited me at home., I grabbed him along with his swamp bike. "Jonathan I'm coming in okay? I'm concerned" Bobbys mom rang out, Shit! I ran back closed the door, flushed the toilet and opened the door. Bobbys Mom was standing there with her eyes as big as a full moon holding a screwdriver ready to pick the bathroom door lock. "You okay hun?" she asked in a started voice. "Fine!" I said with a nervous twang. "Okay I just thought you were in distress, you were making some pretty agonizing moans in there. "No I'm fine, thanks for letting me use your restroom Mrs T I said as I made my way back to the front door. "You're welcome" She said in a confused tone "Tell your Mother I still have her Tupperware form the potluck." "Actually . . . think you could fit them in your backpack?" I could just picture me opening my backpack and seeing the look on her face as her sons prized possessions poured onto her linoleum floor like priceless jewels form the bag of a bandit. "Uhhh noo it's full of books from school" I said as I struggled with the door bolt. "See ya!" I said.
As I was making my way home my head became filled to the brim about all the cool adventures that I could have with my newly found items. I pictured myself in the backyard creating the most epic G.I.Joe battle. "Who will win?" definitely not G.I.Joe! I would later line up my G.I.Joes and have Wild Weasel do a life ending strafing run with his A-10 Warthog spraying blood and destruction as it passed over like a shadow of death. Cobra Commander would be like . ."Wow we actually won this time?" Hell yeah you won! You have Wild Weasel on your team! COOOBRAAA! Yeah I played pretty rated R as a kid.
The next day I was dreading a call from Bobbys Mom saying "Do you know what your son did!!? But it never happened. When I saw Bobby at school the next day he didn't even look distressed. It was like it never happened. I remember seeing him years later at high school. "Hey Jon" He said, "Hey!" I replied. It was an awkward moment, from what I remember Bobby was all alone, and I felt bad for him. I remember seeing him enjoying a cheese crisp in the school cafeteria and I was with some friends at the time and I said . . . "Man, a long time ago I jacked a grip load of G.I.Joes from that kid" and told them the whole meat and potatoes.
Now I don't condone stealing, I was just a stupid kid back then, and I'm pretty sure that Karma has paid me back in full. I've had a couple of things stolen that I valued, and it sucked. Sometimes I wish I could have apologized, but never saw him again. Maybe someday opportunity will present itself so I can make things right. So I guess the moral of the story is . . . In my opinion . . . . Wild Weasel has the best vehicle in the G.I.Joe Universe.